I absolutely despair at times.
I really, really do.
I'm English, from England and speak English... Nothing exciting about this, you might think, and you'd be right to think this, but you're wrong. What's quite notable about it is the fact that I can actually speak and write in English like the next poet laureate when compared to a large and (worringly) increasing number of my compatriots, let alone other nations where English is their primary language.
Just a few examples of the things I hate include:
> Incorrect usage of apostrophes.
> Using double negatives to emphasise a singular one, ie. 'I haven't done nothing...'
> Incorrect use of the word 'None' - I'll explain more on this shortly...
> English people pronouncing things in an American way.
> English people spelling things in an American way.
> People commonly writing and speaking using colloquial abbreviations - I'll also explain this in brief shortly...
> People who are incapable of distinguishing between 'too' and 'to'.
> People's inability to correctly use capital letters.
> People's inability to distinguish between 'They're', 'Their', 'There' and others.
> People who write or say 'would OF' as opposed to the correct 'would HAVE'.
So with a list this size of annoying and elementary things that people are getting wrong whilst speaking their own native tongue, something needs to be done, and quick.
Firstly; Apostrophe's.
What the hell is wrong with people? The apostrophe is beautifully simple. It is there to show possession ("It is John's sandwich") or to signify that the word is an amalgamation of two other words, or that there is a letter missing ("They're" -- a combination of "they" and "are"). It's quite simple...
Show Possession: "John has a sandwich. It is John's fucking sandwich."
Signify two words have been put together: "John has a sandwich. It's John's fucking sandwich."
In the second example, the apostrophe is there to show that the 'i' from 'is' is missing where the two words 'it is' have been squashed together.
Please note: I'm fully aware of the fact I put an apostrophe in the subtitle. That was a joke - If you don't get it, or didn't understand it being a joke, this post is definitely for you, so pay attention...
Secondly; Using Double Negatives For Emphasis, But Just Looking Like A Dick.
Another one of those classics. It's a simple one, and oddly, mathematics has relevance...
Remember the simple rule in maths? (And it is 'Maths' by the way, but I'll get onto that later...)
The simple rule in maths about adding negative and positive numbers?
> Adding two positives together makes a positive result.
> Adding two negative numbers together ALSO makes a positive result.
So, when you say "I didn't do nothing";
> The 'Didn't' is a negative
> The 'Nothing' is a negative
Two negatives equal a positive. So it's the same as saying "I did do something", which doesn't help your defense much, really.
Thirdly; Incorrect Use Of The Word 'None'.
Now you're probably thinking 'Hang on...'
'How can you use the word 'none' wrong?'
Well you can, and people very often do. Even newsreaders do, and they are meant to speak what is known as 'the Queen's English'.
'None' is a shortening of the two words 'not' and 'one'. Technically, it should hold an apostrophe to signify that the two word have been squashed together, and a letter or two have gone missing.
So to say "None of them are available", is the same as saying "Not one of them are available", which, if you have a clue or were educated somewhere outside of Essex, you can see is just plain wrong.
The correct use in this situation would of course be "None of them is available", as in "Not one of them is available", which you can see, if you're not an imbecile, just makes a lot more sense.
Fourthly; English People Pronouncing And Spelling Things In An American Way.
I have to clear this up, and it may come as a shock to a lot of you, but we're not American. We're not in America, and there is in fact quite a large gap of water separating us and them, as well as many social and educational differences, although due to me feeling compelled to write this, I find myself disputing the latter.
So, when someone comes into my shop and asks me about wireless routers, it really annoys and disappoints me when they pronounce it as a 'raow-ter'.
It's a fucking router. As in 'root-er'. As in 'I'm looking at a map in order to find a route'.
It's not the only thing. There are many.
'Aluminium' is spelled as you see it written, and pronounced as such. Google, amongst other things, has actually started auto-correcting 'Aluminium' to reflect the American (incorrect) spelling of 'Aluminum'. Just because they're too stupid to be able to pronounce it doesn't mean that you have any excuse to be lazy too. It's our fucking language - set a bloody example.
It also grates me when people say something like 'least worst option' or 'commonest'. There is no such thing as a 'least worst option' - it's either the worst, or it's not. Also, whilst there may be the word 'commonest' in use, it's not really the proper way to say it. 'Most common' is.
Also, you don't 'wait on' something. You might 'wait for' something, but to 'wait on' something implies you're a member of serving staff at a hotel or restaurant.
Also, we don't have 'train stations' in this country. We have 'railway stations'.
And for now, at least, the last example as I promised I would, 'maths'. It's 'maths', not 'math'. Clearly if you believe it's 'math', it's not just your English that's suffering.
Fifthly; Colloquial Abbreviations.
OMG Don't you just hate it when people use colloquial abbreviations in everyday speech lol?
I fucking do. really gets on my tits.
If you want to express disbelief, then do it properly. OMG does not constitute as proper expression.
Also, if you want to laugh out loud, then just fucking laugh, for god's sake. Don't say 'lol'. It defeats the point slightly.
ROFL is another one. The reason for these abbreviations is to save time when typing at a keyboard, as well as expressing yourself by means that would otherwise be devoid of emotional feeling. If I can see your face, and I can hear your voice, then there are at least two methods at your disposal by which you could express yourself. Don't be a lazy dick about it.
Sixthly; 'Too' and 'To'. Is it really to difficult for people too distinguish between?
I find myself bitterly disappointed to be writing this. They are two words, no more than three letters long, with distinctly different meanings and for use in distinctly different circumstances.
'Too' means 'as well'. As in 'in accompaniment'.
'To' means a multitude of things, but mainly used to express a limit of a dimension, whether it be by width, length, depth, weight, distance...
An example on the uses of both;
Too: 'I like cheese. I like it with crackers, too.'
To: 'I like going from A to B' -- In this instance, used to express a limit of distance.
I don't know how people get these mixed up, or do this wrong, but they do, and it's frankly shameful.
Seventh; it's not difficult to use Capital Letters properly.
Another bitter disappointment - This is one of the basics of English.
Capital letters are used at the beginning of 'proper nouns', names or the start of sentences. It's pretty damn simple.
The word 'horse' is the name given to animals of a certain type or species. It is not a proper noun, so remains without a capital at the beginning of it.
The horse's name 'Greg' is capitalised, as it is the name of the horse.
The word 'city' is not capitalised. It's not a proper noun.
The name 'London' is capitalised, as it's the name of the city.
It's not fucking rocket science. It's just a crushing disappointment to even be writing about it.
Eighth: The classic 'They're', 'Their' and 'There'.
This again is elementary.
The differences between 'their', 'they're', 'there', 'were', 'where', 'wear'...
It's quite simple, so pay attention:
There - Specifies a location.
Their - Specifies possession.
They're - Abbreviation of 'they are'.
Where - Also specifies a location.
Wear - To wear something, or the process by which something becomes worn.
Were - Past tense of 'are'.
Than - A word used to link two things that are being compared.
Then - Specifies a point in time.
So, if you are guilty of any of the above, you should be embarrassed. These are all really fucking simple things that any moron can get right if they just engaged their few remaining tuned-in brain cells and actually applied themselves.
This is something that is (or at the very least should be) taught in every school in the country, and it should really be taught across the world; any country that claims to have English as it's primary language should be taught 'English'. The 'English' spoken in America should be just called straight 'American', as their language is resembling ours less and less each day.
English and American are both like a fat man and a thin man in a three-legged-race; with fat American slowly and cumbersomely pulling thin English forwards, but not really in the right direction.
I'm confident that people from America are now going to accuse me of being racist due to me linking America to obesity in one form or another...
... It's just a fucking analogy. If you're unsure what this is, then reading this blog post has definitely been a valuable use of your time.
And Finally: If you paid attention at school, you would HAVE got this right.
Would HAVE.
As in "I would have had enough time..." or "That's the one I would have had..."
The word 'of' means;
1: Expressing a relationship between a section and a whole - 'I want a slice OF cake'
2: Expressing the relationship between a a scale or measure and a value - 'This cake needs a chocolate increase OF 5%'.
I just don't understand how anyone who knows the meaning of words would think that the word 'of' would be appropriate in the given context.
Oh wait! I know! They use it because it's a word that sounds a little like the abbreviated suffix form of 'have', which is of course 've'.
'I WOULD'VE added more chocolate to the cake, if I had had some.' -- Note the word 'would've' - the correct way. And yes, the use of the word 'had' twice sequentially is correct, too*.
'I would OF punched you in the face if we had the chocolate and you didn't add it in...' -- Notice the retarded use of the word 'of' here.
So yes. If you're happy talking shit, then I will come and find you and take a shit in your mouth.
*The word 'had' can be used a maximum of 11 times in a sentence, and it would still make sense;
'John, where Bill had had 'had', had had 'had had'. had had had had a greater impact on the examiner.'
I really, really do.
I'm English, from England and speak English... Nothing exciting about this, you might think, and you'd be right to think this, but you're wrong. What's quite notable about it is the fact that I can actually speak and write in English like the next poet laureate when compared to a large and (worringly) increasing number of my compatriots, let alone other nations where English is their primary language.
Just a few examples of the things I hate include:
> Incorrect usage of apostrophes.
> Using double negatives to emphasise a singular one, ie. 'I haven't done nothing...'
> Incorrect use of the word 'None' - I'll explain more on this shortly...
> English people pronouncing things in an American way.
> English people spelling things in an American way.
> People commonly writing and speaking using colloquial abbreviations - I'll also explain this in brief shortly...
> People who are incapable of distinguishing between 'too' and 'to'.
> People's inability to correctly use capital letters.
> People's inability to distinguish between 'They're', 'Their', 'There' and others.
> People who write or say 'would OF' as opposed to the correct 'would HAVE'.
So with a list this size of annoying and elementary things that people are getting wrong whilst speaking their own native tongue, something needs to be done, and quick.
Firstly; Apostrophe's.
What the hell is wrong with people? The apostrophe is beautifully simple. It is there to show possession ("It is John's sandwich") or to signify that the word is an amalgamation of two other words, or that there is a letter missing ("They're" -- a combination of "they" and "are"). It's quite simple...
Show Possession: "John has a sandwich. It is John's fucking sandwich."
Signify two words have been put together: "John has a sandwich. It's John's fucking sandwich."
In the second example, the apostrophe is there to show that the 'i' from 'is' is missing where the two words 'it is' have been squashed together.
Please note: I'm fully aware of the fact I put an apostrophe in the subtitle. That was a joke - If you don't get it, or didn't understand it being a joke, this post is definitely for you, so pay attention...
Secondly; Using Double Negatives For Emphasis, But Just Looking Like A Dick.
Another one of those classics. It's a simple one, and oddly, mathematics has relevance...
Remember the simple rule in maths? (And it is 'Maths' by the way, but I'll get onto that later...)
The simple rule in maths about adding negative and positive numbers?
> Adding two positives together makes a positive result.
> Adding two negative numbers together ALSO makes a positive result.
So, when you say "I didn't do nothing";
> The 'Didn't' is a negative
> The 'Nothing' is a negative
Two negatives equal a positive. So it's the same as saying "I did do something", which doesn't help your defense much, really.
Thirdly; Incorrect Use Of The Word 'None'.
Now you're probably thinking 'Hang on...'
'How can you use the word 'none' wrong?'
Well you can, and people very often do. Even newsreaders do, and they are meant to speak what is known as 'the Queen's English'.
'None' is a shortening of the two words 'not' and 'one'. Technically, it should hold an apostrophe to signify that the two word have been squashed together, and a letter or two have gone missing.
So to say "None of them are available", is the same as saying "Not one of them are available", which, if you have a clue or were educated somewhere outside of Essex, you can see is just plain wrong.
The correct use in this situation would of course be "None of them is available", as in "Not one of them is available", which you can see, if you're not an imbecile, just makes a lot more sense.
Fourthly; English People Pronouncing And Spelling Things In An American Way.
I have to clear this up, and it may come as a shock to a lot of you, but we're not American. We're not in America, and there is in fact quite a large gap of water separating us and them, as well as many social and educational differences, although due to me feeling compelled to write this, I find myself disputing the latter.
So, when someone comes into my shop and asks me about wireless routers, it really annoys and disappoints me when they pronounce it as a 'raow-ter'.
It's a fucking router. As in 'root-er'. As in 'I'm looking at a map in order to find a route'.
It's not the only thing. There are many.
'Aluminium' is spelled as you see it written, and pronounced as such. Google, amongst other things, has actually started auto-correcting 'Aluminium' to reflect the American (incorrect) spelling of 'Aluminum'. Just because they're too stupid to be able to pronounce it doesn't mean that you have any excuse to be lazy too. It's our fucking language - set a bloody example.
It also grates me when people say something like 'least worst option' or 'commonest'. There is no such thing as a 'least worst option' - it's either the worst, or it's not. Also, whilst there may be the word 'commonest' in use, it's not really the proper way to say it. 'Most common' is.
Also, you don't 'wait on' something. You might 'wait for' something, but to 'wait on' something implies you're a member of serving staff at a hotel or restaurant.
Also, we don't have 'train stations' in this country. We have 'railway stations'.
And for now, at least, the last example as I promised I would, 'maths'. It's 'maths', not 'math'. Clearly if you believe it's 'math', it's not just your English that's suffering.
Fifthly; Colloquial Abbreviations.
OMG Don't you just hate it when people use colloquial abbreviations in everyday speech lol?
I fucking do. really gets on my tits.
If you want to express disbelief, then do it properly. OMG does not constitute as proper expression.
Also, if you want to laugh out loud, then just fucking laugh, for god's sake. Don't say 'lol'. It defeats the point slightly.
ROFL is another one. The reason for these abbreviations is to save time when typing at a keyboard, as well as expressing yourself by means that would otherwise be devoid of emotional feeling. If I can see your face, and I can hear your voice, then there are at least two methods at your disposal by which you could express yourself. Don't be a lazy dick about it.
Sixthly; 'Too' and 'To'. Is it really to difficult for people too distinguish between?
I find myself bitterly disappointed to be writing this. They are two words, no more than three letters long, with distinctly different meanings and for use in distinctly different circumstances.
'Too' means 'as well'. As in 'in accompaniment'.
'To' means a multitude of things, but mainly used to express a limit of a dimension, whether it be by width, length, depth, weight, distance...
An example on the uses of both;
Too: 'I like cheese. I like it with crackers, too.'
To: 'I like going from A to B' -- In this instance, used to express a limit of distance.
I don't know how people get these mixed up, or do this wrong, but they do, and it's frankly shameful.
Seventh; it's not difficult to use Capital Letters properly.
Another bitter disappointment - This is one of the basics of English.
Capital letters are used at the beginning of 'proper nouns', names or the start of sentences. It's pretty damn simple.
The word 'horse' is the name given to animals of a certain type or species. It is not a proper noun, so remains without a capital at the beginning of it.
The horse's name 'Greg' is capitalised, as it is the name of the horse.
The word 'city' is not capitalised. It's not a proper noun.
The name 'London' is capitalised, as it's the name of the city.
It's not fucking rocket science. It's just a crushing disappointment to even be writing about it.
Eighth: The classic 'They're', 'Their' and 'There'.
This again is elementary.
The differences between 'their', 'they're', 'there', 'were', 'where', 'wear'...
It's quite simple, so pay attention:
There - Specifies a location.
Their - Specifies possession.
They're - Abbreviation of 'they are'.
Where - Also specifies a location.
Wear - To wear something, or the process by which something becomes worn.
Were - Past tense of 'are'.
Than - A word used to link two things that are being compared.
Then - Specifies a point in time.
So, if you are guilty of any of the above, you should be embarrassed. These are all really fucking simple things that any moron can get right if they just engaged their few remaining tuned-in brain cells and actually applied themselves.
This is something that is (or at the very least should be) taught in every school in the country, and it should really be taught across the world; any country that claims to have English as it's primary language should be taught 'English'. The 'English' spoken in America should be just called straight 'American', as their language is resembling ours less and less each day.
English and American are both like a fat man and a thin man in a three-legged-race; with fat American slowly and cumbersomely pulling thin English forwards, but not really in the right direction.
I'm confident that people from America are now going to accuse me of being racist due to me linking America to obesity in one form or another...
... It's just a fucking analogy. If you're unsure what this is, then reading this blog post has definitely been a valuable use of your time.
And Finally: If you paid attention at school, you would HAVE got this right.
Would HAVE.
As in "I would have had enough time..." or "That's the one I would have had..."
The word 'of' means;
1: Expressing a relationship between a section and a whole - 'I want a slice OF cake'
2: Expressing the relationship between a a scale or measure and a value - 'This cake needs a chocolate increase OF 5%'.
I just don't understand how anyone who knows the meaning of words would think that the word 'of' would be appropriate in the given context.
Oh wait! I know! They use it because it's a word that sounds a little like the abbreviated suffix form of 'have', which is of course 've'.
'I WOULD'VE added more chocolate to the cake, if I had had some.' -- Note the word 'would've' - the correct way. And yes, the use of the word 'had' twice sequentially is correct, too*.
'I would OF punched you in the face if we had the chocolate and you didn't add it in...' -- Notice the retarded use of the word 'of' here.
So yes. If you're happy talking shit, then I will come and find you and take a shit in your mouth.
*The word 'had' can be used a maximum of 11 times in a sentence, and it would still make sense;
'John, where Bill had had 'had', had had 'had had'. had had had had a greater impact on the examiner.'
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